Rotten Egg TGP: Bengals Dominant Despite Andy Dalton

[BwareDWare94 723]

I'm going to try a few more of these Onion-esque satire pieces. I've decided to use "Rotten Egg" as an indicator so people will know the pieces aren't serious. Keep in mind, I know there will be some duds. Writing takes a bit of practice, and I hope I don't try your guys' patience with the poor pieces. Anyway, Chernobyl asked for Andy Dalton, so here goes:

 

 

AJ Green was supposed to come into the NFL as a deep ball specialist, the kind of receiver who takes a go route and flies down the sideline. That potential came to a halt as soon as Green had his first practice with Andy Dalton. "On our first day, I ran a go route as fast as I could." The pass dropped 30 yards behind Green, into the waiting hands of Terence Newman, who'd spied the quarterback and come to a halt a mere twenty yards from the LOS.

 

"Easiest pick of my life," Newman said.

 

"I had to make adjustments, after that," said Green.

 

In the two and some odd years that have followed, Green has scored his fair share of long touchdowns, but rarely does an Andy Dalton pass hit him in stride. "I start my routes like Calvin Johnson, finish them like Randy Moss when the ball wasn't going his way," Green says, with a smile. "I've got no other option. Andy throws ducks."

 

"I don't know how he always comes down with them," quips Dalton. "I've learned to throw the ball and start praying that he'll make me look good by taking it the last 50 yards."

 

Nevertheless, the pairing have combined for a staggering amount of touchdowns, but perhaps even more staggering than that is the YAC accumulated after Green has caught the ball. "I did the math," said first year offensive coordinator Hue Jackson. "The distance that AJ has covered after he caught a ball thrown by Andy is the equivalent of a round trip from Cincinnati to Cleveland."

 

"It's roughly 500 miles, all around," says Dalton, who seems proud of the fact that he's run his best receiver into the ground like an overenthusiastic jockey. "People don't realize it, but you can see the wear on AJ's face. He's 26 but looks 36, because he has to do so damn much after I barely get the ball to him."

 

"I've got arthritis in my knees, already," says Green. "All because of some hyper-Christian ginger fuck with a noodle arm."

 

"Oh, AJ and his jokes," says Dalton, laughing.

 

Green only looks away, shaking his head.

 

Other receivers have caught on to Dalton's toddler arm, and it's made him some enemies. "I tried to get him hurt on that ball I threw him last week," says Mohamed Sanu. "I underthrew it on purpose, just so he'd know how it feels. I can't believe that guy missed him, and I have no idea how Andy got it into the endzone. Looked like he was running in slow motion."

 

Edited September 27, 2014 by BwareDWare94

[Thanatos 2,847]

This is pretty damn good Bware.

 

Very good piece.

 

I approve of this news-site, it is a bastion of integrity in these godforsaken times.

[AL_Royalty 489]

Yeah, pretty good stuff dude.

[Cherry 1,302]

I feel like you tried a little bit too hard on the part of Dalton talking about how bad he is, but all around a nice piece.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Chernobyl426

[seanbrock 1,684]

Yeah, Andy Dalton is a potential hall of famer bro.

[Cherry 1,302]

Yeah, Andy Dalton is a potential hall of famer bro.

Jesus Christ do you ever shut the fuck up about it? This isn't even relatable; it's a joke article.

[Vin+ 3,121]

Jesus Christ do you ever shut the fuck up about it? This isn't even relatable; it's a joke article.

TGP never forgets anything.

 

Anything.

[Thanatos 2,847]

Yeah, Andy Dalton is a potential hall of famer bro.

Hey Sean.

 

You find any other girls that have gotten hot since highschool?

[seanbrock 1,684]

Hey Sean.

 

You find any other girls that have gotten hot since highschool?

I ended up banging that chick lol joke's on you.

[Thanatos 2,847]

I ended up banging that chick lol joke's on you.

I doubt that very much.

 

On a completely unrelated topic, you get tested lately?

[seanbrock 1,684]

I doubt that very much.

 

On a completely unrelated topic, you get tested lately?

Edited October 8, 2014 by seanbrock